Inside Amy Schumer – Football Town Nights


♪♪
(morning announcer)
It’s Monday and that means
the big game
against Galveston
is just a few days away.
We’re praying that new guy,
Coach Thompson,
is getting our
Bronconeers ready for combat.
You the new football
coach down at the high school?
Yes, sir.
Coach Thompson.
This is my wife, Amy.
Hey, y’all.
Coach Crawford
was like family.
You got some
big shoes to fill.
We sure love our
football around here,
more than anything.
My wife baked you
up a pecan crumb.
Bronconeers.
Ain’t it good
to be the coach?
(wine splashing)
Woo!
♪ She could get it
all night ♪
♪ Night, night, night,
night, night, night ♪
♪ She could get it ♪♪
(radio switches off)
Now, I’m not sure
what you heard about me,
but I do things
a little different
than y’all are used to
here in Stewford Heights.
This season, we’re gonna
be the first team
in the county to run
a no-huddle offense.
You don’t like that?
You can just look at my 14-2
record Northeast last year.
Second, we do
two-a-days every day.
Mm-hmm.
And third, now, I just need you
go to with me on this one.
(marker screeching)
(boy)
No raping?
But coach, we play football.
My team, my rules.
You don’t like it,
don’t let the door rape
you on the way out.
(clipboard slamming on floor)
Can we rape
at away games?
What if it’s Halloween
and she’s dressed
like a sexy cat?
What if she thinks
it’s rape
(Coach Thompson)
Still no.
What about,
like, a sexy ladybug?
Mm.
(disappointed sighing)
A ghost?
What about a sexy owl?
(bell ringing)
Sexy Transformer?
What if my mom
is the D.A.
and won’t prosecute?
Can I rape?
No, you cannot.
(disappointed sighing)
What if she’s drunk
and has a slight reputation
and no one’s
gonna believe her?
Okay.
The girl said yes to me
the other day,
but it was
about something else.
No.
What if the girl said yes
but then she changes her
mind out of nowhere,
like a crazy person.
You gotta stop.
No, you gotta stop!
(boys)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey! Hey!
(boy)
Where did that come from?
(woman)
Hey.
You’re that new coach
who don’t like raping.
(woman 2)
How are our boys supposed to
celebrate when they win?
Or blow off steam
if they lose?
(hocking a loogie, spitting)
That’s not very
neighborly, ladies.
These folks,
that’s just their way, okay?
You can’t bring a wet mule
around a hot corn oven.
Right?
How about just backing off this
whole no raping thing for now?
We’ve been through
this a million ti–
I know we’ve been
through it and I know
we have a daughter, okay?
I know that and I love her,
but I am so tired.
I don’t know why,
but I am,
you know?
(sighing)
(knocking on door)
Hey, Coach, um.
Can I come in?
Sure.
Uh, I’m sorry to bother
you at home, Coach,
but you’re the closest thing
I ever had to a dad
and I just wanna,
you know, ask.
Go ahead, son.
But, like, what if someone
else is raping her, right,
and I’m just, like,
filming it on my phone?
No, no, it’s still a no.
You’re just as guilty,
but you already
knew that, right?
(laughing)
(splashing)
♪♪
(sports announcer)
The Bronconeers are taking
a beating out there.
Oh, we got a hard hit on
Cunningham and he is down.
It’s pretty severe.
Just give it to me
straight, Doc.
Will my boy
ever rape again?
Afraid not.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
It’s okay.
(sports announcer)
Bronconeers are really feeling
Cunningham’s loss.
They’re down 15 points.
(whistle blowing)
We should not
be losing this game.
Dugan, what the hell were
you thinking out there
on that last
play, son?
I was– I was
thinking about raping.
God damn it.
(crashing, rattling)
How do I get through to you boys
that football isn’t about rape?
It’s about violently dominating
anyone that stands
between you
and what you want.
Now, you gotta get yourself
into the mindset
that you are gods
and you are
entitled to this.
(boy)
Yeah!
That other team,
they ain’t just gonna lay down
(boy)
No!
You gotta go out
there and take it.
(all cheering)
Now let’s get out there.
(boys)
Yeah.
Clear eyes.
Full hearts.
(all)
Don’t rape!
(indistinct shouting)
Woo! Yeah.
Ain’t it good
to be the coach?
I love you, baby.

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